Through my eyes...

Back!

So, what's new with me. Shit, when was the last time I even wrote in here? I guess a lot has changed in some respects, but a lot of things haven't changed either. Primarily, a big change is that I've been working as an Assistant Buyer at the JYSK head office for the last couple of months. This is a good change, as I was really getting sick of working in the stores. Now, I am pretty much accountable to myself. I have clear objectives and goals, and feel like I have talents that are being used. I haven't really felt the repercussions of being a capitalist pig yet either which is good.

Other changes?

Well, I believe that as a person I have changed to. Our friends Nick and Mike did some personality test on Kevin and I, which basically dichotomized us on a few dimensions and then used those dichotomies to create a personality profile of sorts. I kind of realized that I am a very fluid person. I am an extrovert but I tend to be passive. I don't know, I thought I could explain what I was thinking, but it is frustrating me so I will stop. Anyways, I basically realized how complex of a person I am.

I find it hard to sit down and write now. I tend to get frustrated. Maybe my University days are too far gone now that my skills with rhetoric are slowly crumbling.

Anyways...I'll go for now

I'm sure at some point I will be back!

Wow, it's been too long Livejournal!

I nearly forgot about you, and I'm sorry. To be honest, I first got distracted by Myspace, but then Facebook came along, and I distracted myself with it as well. Oh rue technology, and it's unforgiving persuasions. These sites are really cool though, it really represents a new era in communication. I now talk with my cousins whom I haven't talked with in ages, and have reconnected with some highschool friends, as well as people in my extended family who I never probably would've seen again had it not been for this technology.

Grrr..Kevin is distracting me...can't concentrate. damn. Bye.

I almost forgot that weekends were distinguishable from the rest of the week until I was on the bus tonight. Now, I’m not totally prudish or lame, but when people feel the need to drink and be absolutely obnoxious on public transit I get upset. Like really, how many people want to hear some 19 year old girl squealing about how badly she needs to urinate, and how she is going to “piss between trucks in the parking lot”, or watch straight guys haphazardly and raucously trying to pick up sober and disinterested women who are otherwise engaged. Really, I drank a lot and smoked pot and whatnot at that age, but for some reason I don’t remember ‘drinking on the bus’ as being a viable method of fun. Drink at a house, a bar, a park or something for fuck’s sake, but don’t inflict your drunken condition on the rest of us. Okay, maybe I have become a bit lame.

Oh…BANDWAGON!!!!!

I joined myspace! I guess everyone has one.

Visit me at: http://www.myspace.com/omg_blake_is_gay

K, gotta go.

MAGIC PRE-RELEASE IS NEXT WEEKEND!!!

I just went to the coolest thing ever!

My Dad got an exclusive pass through his work to meet the Canucks in a lounge type atmosphere, called "Chill with the Canucks". There was an open/free bar, a dessert, sushi, and entrée buffet, as well as a 2 hour period to lounge and talk intimately with the Canucks. It was awesome, I got to meet all the Canucks and talk with them about their jobs, family, career and whatnot. Such a cool opportunity, and there were only about 50 other people who got to attend. Pictures follow. The is no picture with Naslund or the Sedin's, because they took professional ones with each of the guests which they'll be sending via mail. So cool.

WARNING: I've been diagnosed with Bronchitis so I look jaundiced and tired in these pictures.

Cool Canuck's Ice Sculpture



Mathias Ohlund and I



Brendan Morrison and I



Alexandre Burrows, Marc Chouinard and I



Ryan Kesler and I



My Favourite Player MATT COOKE and I



Long-time Canuck, Trevor Linden and I

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
Lily Tomlin



Yesterday Kevin and I finished the AE miniseries of Pride and Prejudice that I bought him for Christmas. It was sooo good. Everyone watch it!

Tonight Kevin and I are going to spend New Year's at Nick and Mike's new place. We bought some frozen fruit, frozen mix and rum. We'll try our skill at making blended drinks I suppose. Amidst getting a bit loopy we'll also probably get a couple games of Settlers of Catan in, OMG this game is fantastic. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Settlers_of_Catan

Happy New Year Everyone!

"It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad."
C. S. Lewis

2006 has been good; a year of subtle but positive life changes.

Social Life:
My social network has changed quite a bit over the past year. From cliques to couples. Kevin and I have spent most of our free time with each other over the course of the year. Numerous walks downtown on Robson, Davie and Granville. Becoming regulars at the local IHOP. Spending more quality time with our parents. Talking with Pete. Having Nichola and Stephanie over to watch movies etc. Meeting and hanging out with our married friends Randy and Vera. And hanging out with our best gay couple friends Nick and Mike! (Nick and Mike, congratulations on moving in together!).

Since I work a lot, I find our social sphere very conducive and relaxing.

Work Life:
I’ve had 3 bosses over the last year: Fanatical Flora, Geriatric George and currently Honorable José.

My job hasn’t been more relaxed than it is currently. I work with awesome people. Have great floor managers whom I’m friends with. And have attained sales goals for the last quarter of the year, which I haven’t seen since starting at JYSK.

My job doesn’t stress me out like it once did. However, like anything in my life, I do not like to be stagnant and thus I currently hope to either move up within the company or, move on with my career.

More:
-In October Kevin and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary!
-I am currently all the way out of the closet! My boss, the employees at JYSK, my Grandma, My hyper-religious Aunt, Cousin and other family, my uncle from Ontario, and my Uncle Rudy are now all aware of my gayness. It is pretty much cool with everyone except my ignorant cousin Michelle.
-My Grandma met Kevin and loved him.
-The kittens are growing up. Gavin is about twice as big as his twin sister Elly and is now a lazy, fat, man-cat.
-The DM at JYSK has expressed interest in getting me my own store (although I doubt I’d take it).
-I’ll be an uncle in a matter of weeks!
-Plans of moving for February.

I haven’t been writing in Livejournal very often as of late. I partially blame that on work, my 3 month obsession with World of Warcraft (which I have since quit), and on lethargy. MY resolution for the new year is unoriginal: get healthy. I will cut out fast food from my diet, eat salads instead of fries when able, will not join an online game and instead exercise, capitalize on the beautiful spring and summer months.

Anyway, I won’t inundate my journal with a plethora of randomness no longer…

Blake

"Life belongs to the living, and he who lives must be prepared for changes" ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe~

I have to search a little harder for motivation…

With my current job I’ve gone through a whole host of emotions; Anger, Denial, Untiring loyalty, Happiness, Depression, Frustration, and now, Indifference. At our last staff meeting, which was about a week or two ago, my district manager said something quite profound. He was talking about the Coquitlam store (my store), and how we were bound to make our budget because we’d hired a new store manager, 2 new floor managers and a couple new employees. I thought he was going to forget that I even existed and then he said, “and there is also Blake, the unwavering rock, who has been through everything at that store”. I can tell that he meant this as a compliment, but it came off with a quite different meaning for me. If I’m an unwavering rock, it means I have ceased changing, learning and growing; it means I sit in one place, steadfast, and accept and deal with the storms, winds, and tumultuous times that happen around me. I have learned all I can from JYSK, and yes, I am a solid rock there, I can deal with any situation, I can run the store…but I have no further room to grow or move.

I could not be a store manager, and I know this, this is why I have not been promoted. I cannot care enough about the retail industry to make 60 year old women break their back taking out stock. I am a nice guy, I want people to be happy to come to work, I want to give 2nd and 3rd chances, I understand that people have lives outside of JYSK, I understand that people have emotions that conflict with work, I want to make JYSK fun, and I don’t think a store manager is capable of that…and if they are, they won’t last long.

Anyway…I’ve been thinking about it for a while, but I do really need to try to find the motivation for another job, something outside of retail, where I can maybe actually help people, not sell them duvets and dressers.

Well, off to work.

OMG, this is super cool...I seriously spent the last hour doing everyone's faces!!! Although I disagree with a few of their choices, this is still super cool...Do it, do it now.

Hateful to me as are the gates of hell, Is he who, hiding one thing in his heart, Utters another. ~Homer~

I have been trying to self-teach myself adobe photoshop, which basically means I dink around with it for about an hour a week. I'm not good at it yet, but it is really quite fun.



Kevin and I have to get fitted for tuxedos today for my friend Sabrina's wedding. She bequeathed Kevin and I with the honour (sarcasm) of being Ushers. Oh joy! Should I be thankful that I get the stand at the front doors of some church for ½-1 hr delegating seats for family members who I’ve never seen. I really think that ushers should get paid for their services, or at least get tipped by the guests, for, unlike being a best man, or part of the “real” wedding party, ushership is entirely overlooked and unappreciated. On top of this, we now have to pay for 2 tuxedo rentals, which, if we were just casual guests we could have gotten by with some of our formal attire. Rue! Nonetheless, I suppose it will be fun, and I am glad that Sabrina is getting married and such…

Yesterday night Kevin and I rented a movie called ‘Lucid”. It is a Canadian film which premeired at last years VIFF I believe. The film started of a bit slowly, but started coming together part way through. It focused on a psychologists therapy sessions with patients with PTSD. If you’ve seen and like The Machinist and The Jacket, you’ll like this one too!

Anyways, I should start getting ready for the day.

Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present. ~~Marcus Aurelius~~

So I was supposed to update my journal with pictures of mine and Kevin’s trip to the island and whatnot, but I never did. I wanted to, and was excited, but after I got back I was so lazy, that even the process of reducing the picture sizes and such was too much for me. And now, its at the point where the vacation is too far gone to even care. The island vacation was quite pleasant. As we went with friends, it was a bit tumultuous and I think in the future, it would be nice to have a vacation with just Kevin and I, but nonetheless it was a very relaxing and much needed break.

I need to talk more about important things. It is easy to get distracted by arbitrary and useless information. I’m finding it increasingly hard to talk to some people who used to be close to me (old friends and such) as our conversations are based, mainly, on meaningless anecdotes of the past and on arbitrary current events. Should I maintain a friendship with someone, when it is strong yet unwavering and stagnant? Is a history with an individual reason enough to keep up a redundant and linear acquaintanceship? I can only talk about “Laguna Beach”, “NHL Statistics”, “Old Friends”, “TV Shows” etc… for so long before I feel I need to break free.

I think people* are scared to talk about the real life issues that matter. If I bring up the African Aids epidemic to some old friends, I’m sure they’d be like, “Blake, what are you talking about? Are you trying to depress us?”, or “I really don’t wanna talk about that…let’s talk about something happy”, or “Close the textbook Blake”. Grrrr. People don’t want be engaged by thought invoking conversation, they’d rather be engaged by trivial and empty tokens. I’m not saying that I don’t enjoy TV, Games or whatnot, because I do, but when I’m around friends, and other people, I don’t want to fall in to a repetitive routine of saying, “Yo, so…how ‘bout them Canucks?” or “Wow, I can’t wait for the next episode of _________ to start”. I want people to be able to talk to me like a human, about things that matter to humans and our environment. I’d like to hear opinions about issues. I’m not saying all my friends are/were like this (you’d be surprised what comes up at Magic Nights!!!), but I am seeing it as a trend that I’m growing out of…

Blake

* By "people" I'm generalizing to some people in my current/past group of acquaintances.

So, I’m off to the island for 5 days with Kevin, Nichola and Stephanie. We are going to Bates Beach in Courtney, which is a private camping ground and fishing resort. I’m super excited!!! I’ll be sure to post some photos of the fun times when I get back

In other news:

-I got a raise at work.
-My boss quit (2nd one in just over a month). He was a total nutcase.
-I found out there are 2 other gay guys in my World of Warcraft guild (cool!). One guy I’ve been friends with almost since I joined and he recruited me into the guild etc…what a coincidence!
-Miska is taking care our kittens while Kevin and I are gone
-Went to the Richmond night market a couple nights ago and avoided buying a lot of novel, but otherwise useless, items…
-I’m 1/3 through the second book in the Prince of Nothing trilogy, and it is so fricking good!!! So glad I started reading…


Well, I still have quite a few errands to take care of before we leave, so I can’t write a lot in here for now, but be assured, I will be back…

xo

Why, hello there friends. How’ve you been?

Here’s a little bit of whats been going on ‘round here.

First and foremost, “HAPPY PRIDE EVERYONE!”

So what’s new with me. Well, things at Jysk are settling down somewhat. My old manager quit and a new one was hired. The new manager is a self-professed “straight-shooter” who isn’t a “Paper Pusher” and likes to “Get down to Business”. In all, I pretty much hate him, but, in order to keep my job, I try to pretend that we have a good relationship. I’ve yelled at him twice already, but I think I’ll stop that for a while as I don’t want to be unemployed in the near future.

Kevin and I are doing well. The kittens are growing up fast. We are wanting to move out of our place soon, but are in somewhat of a predicament (as are many I assume). If one has to give their current landlord a month’s notice in order to move, yet, rental housing doesn’t advertise until a month before a room is available, how does one comfortably find a place? I don’t want to give our notice and then be in a panic to find a place and end up somewhere just as seedy and destitute as this place. If you have any suggestions, websites or whatnot, please leave a comment.

In the same vein, if anyone knows a contact to help me get into some sort of social work or counseling field, let me know. I have my BA in Psych/Anth, have worked with Autistic kids, have volunteered a queer organizations, and have co-managed a Furniture store with about 20 employees. Okay, now I’m being pathetic aren’t I? heh.

Okay, so today was Pride, and Kevin, myself, Nick, Nick’s friends, Andrew (ex-boyfriend) and Andrew’s friends all met down by Beach street and watched the parade (Miska was supposed to come, but she ditched us for her ex(?)-gay-boyfriend, ya.). It was tons of fun, and it was Kevin’s first time going so it made it that much better. Parade included, lots of skivvy-clad men, drag queens and kings, dykes on bikes, advocacy groups, blatant advertising, political groups, and glamour o’ plenty. It rocked, and as I was in the parade last year, this is the first time that I was actually able to watch it. It would’ve been nice to hang around downtown Davie village for a bit longer but Nick had to pick up Mike, and Andrew’s friend Adam had to do a dinner thing, so yeah, premature ending to fun, but w/e. Nonetheless, it was good fun, well, aside from my now sun-burned and stiff skin =(

Pictures are below. Along with half-naked men there is also Jack Layton.

( Beware, Half naked men and politics lay beyond here )

I was depressed for the last month and a bit. Not clinically or anything, but overall, I just felt shitty, and could deduce that from my symptomology that I was probably depressed. It didn't seem like there'd be a cure. I couldn't see the bright side of most things. I couldn't motivate myself to change.

On Wednesday evening I went rollerblading for about 2 hours in the residential areas around our place. I found a cemetary, a golf course, a couple parks, some beautiful homes and whatnot (I speak as though these things would not exist had I not happened upon them, heh). It felt really good to go rollerblading. It was one of the things that I had been procrastinating about for the last month, but couldn't get them motivation to do.

Since Wednesday I've felt awesome. I've been whistling my way to work, being super efficient at the job, and enjoying most aspects of my life. I know this will continue as I'm motivated to continue exercising and staying healthy (mentally and physically).

It'd be nice to have a few hours extra during the week, but, overall, I have to be quite happy where I am in life. I'm an assistant manager of a store, I've learned a hell of a lot at this job, and it's some good experience. I am a competent individual, and as long as I remain optimistic I know things'll come together eventually.

Almost time for bed.

Nite.

So it's hot. My head is sweaty and my shirt is stuck to my body.

Edmonton lost tonight, series is at 3 to 1 for Carolina.

Work was good today. Flora and I were productive. For some reason, Flora and I have been acting like we are weeks away from the end of our jobs or something. Maybe its a crazy premonition.

After work Kevin and I went to play poker at Chris G's place, with Chris W and Chris M. (PEOPLE! Stop naming your children Chris, my god this is ridiculous). Last time we played poker I won $50, but this time I went out first, Kevin came 3rd though. Afterwards we have a Tetris tournament, and I came in second, SCORE! It's kind fun hanging out with the straight guys, a different perspective.

I never really cvame out at work, I thought it was unimportant, but, in retrospect I think I was kind of afraid to come out. I'm so glad that I'm (basically) out now. Kevin gets along with all the guys and everything, which is cool...

Anyway, gonna play some World of Warcraft...

I am alive.

Problems for the last month...

I wish I was myself back in highschool, the naìve teenager, whose life's problems could be solved by angsty poetry.

We need to move, but we are motivationless. Working 50 hours a week is killing me. I see no way out.

In other aspects of my life I'm totally content. Kevin keeps me sane...

Things that are interesting.
1: I found a jacket at Jysk the other day. I thought it was an employee's so I brought it to the office. In the jacket pocket there was a throwing dagger spattered with blood (ew!), and I later discovered a couple large blotches of blood on the jacket. This is perturbing.

2: My brother's girlfriend is pregnant. They hadn't planned on babies, and I don't think they planned on staying together forever, but nonetheless, Kevin and I are gonna be uncles! Yay!

Well that's about it I suppose...

Last Friday Kevin, Nichola, Jen, Jen’s Matt, Matt, Heather, Stephanie, Nick, Mike and I went to Santorini’s for dinner. It was a pseudo-birthday celebration and was quite nice. I love that place…such great Greek food in an Authentic atmosphere. Afterwards people came over to our place and played board games and whatnot. It was a great night overall. Yay!
--------------
All who have visited our place have seen our entertainment unit from the 1970’s (pictured below). I’ve always hated this particular piece of furniture and from the moment it entered our home I considered it a temporary addition to our furniture family. It is a gatherer of random things, a dark corner of despair and poverty, a cluttered closet. On Saturday, Kevin and I decided that it was time to get something new and rid ourselves of the brass trimmed, walnut veneered mess of an entertainment unit.



We bought something from Ikea.

Before assembling the new TV stand we’d purchased from the aforementioned store, we realized that we had a bit of a problem. How were we going to get rid of the old unit? Having not lived in an apartment before, I never thought it’d be an issue to get rid of something big…boy was I wrong…

Solution:

We went to Walmart and bought a hammer and a small hack-saw…



I smashed the sidepanels, drawers and shelves off with the hammer, and cut the long boards with the hacksaw



One down, one to go. What a mess!!!



It took about an hour to saw and hammer the old unit apart. We didn’t realize how dark and ugly it made this corner look.



2 loads of boards etcetera in a shopping cart and the bastard was gone.



I built the new tv stand and DVD stand, and the corner looks much better…YAY!!!

I don’t like my birthday for several reasons but nonetheless, due to structures imposed on me I have to be 25 today.

I worked today. My senior department manager bought me a birthday muffin in the morning. Anna, our housewares manager, bought me a little scroll as well as some chocolates. Aside from the fact that I’m increasingly growing to resent my occupation, I do love the people who work there… So nice of them.

I came home. Kevin made me a beautiful floral arrangement (which I can smell as I type, yum!). He gave me kisses and such. I opened a gift from Kevin’s family…A 40 ounce bottle of Peach Schnapps (hell yeahs!).

We decided to go to IHOP for dinner. We were having a good time until 2 plaid clad, oily fingered, unkempt 40-ish year old men and a somewhat attractive younger woman entered the restaurant. The greasiest, hairiest and most scruffy of the men decided to loudly voice his aversion to Gay Male romance on Television. “I can’t believe this shit is all around TV now”, “Why would someone watching the Sopranos want to see 2 fags kissing”, “OZ used to be my favourite show until I realize that the men were getting it on with each other”. I told Kevin that I couldn’t handle it and was going to say something to him…Kevin protested. I got up anyway and roared something to the effect of “Listen Buddy, I’m gay, and I’ve fucking had enough of that shit”. In rebuttal grease man replied something to the effect of “Well, why don’t you mind you own business and sit down and screw yourself!”, to which I replied, “It’s kind of hard to mind my own business when you’re yelling across the fucking restaurant, and you’re probably the one who screws himself”. I sat down and finished dinner with Kevin…it was cool because the rest of the time, the table was talking about how they weren’t homophobic and stuff. I hated that man.

Afterwards we went to London Drugs to look at Dishware and then to Safeway to buy a cake (actually a Rocky Road Brownie block) and ice cream. As of now I’m just enjoying a peach Schnapps cocktail…

I’ll try to keep updated a bit more…Flora the manager will be back on the 16 and thus I’ll be freed of at least some stress.

Below, the kittens are growing...they are now Cattens!

I blame fish sticks…or oven mitts…or the stove buzzer.

The fish sticks were in the oven for 5 minutes, the buzzer went off, “TIME FOR FRIES TO GO IN!!!” it beckoned. Not wanting to keep the bastard-oven waiting I hurriedly reached for the oven mitt to remove the hot pan. Sadly, whilst doing so, I managed to slide a pair of industrial sewing scissors off of the counter and subsequently into my foot.

I didn’t think much of it at first, but when I looked down I saw blood starting to spill out of a small, but deep, black hole. The blood was so dark, almost blue-black. I grabbed a tea towel and started applying pressure. Kevin and I wondered what to do, and not having any good ideas, we laughed about it for a bit and then called his mom. After talking with her we decided to bandagfe it up and tie a sock a few inches away from it to lessen blood flow.

Although my foot was throbbing, I couldn’t bother to do anything more about it cuz I was being lazy and stubborn. About ½ hour later the wound worsened. The bandage became more and more red and les and less white...

Kevin and I decided to take a taxi to Royal Columbian Hospital.

The hospital was scary, and if it weren’t for nice lighting, it could’ve been a scene from Silent Hill…people coughing and wheezing, blood and vomit smeared on the floor. After 2 ½ hours I was able to see a doctor. 4 stitches, a tetanus shot, and some instructions later I was back out the door and on my way home in a cab again. A 2 ½ hour wait for a 10 minute stitches and a vaccination! Wow.

Anyway, I’m home now, a bit tired, somewhat lame, in pain, but fine overall. Nite

YOU CAN ONLY TYPE ONE WORD.
NO EXPLANATIONS.

1. Yourself: Blake
2. Your Lover: Kevin
3. Your Hair: Dyed
4. Your Mother: Donna
5. Your Father: Rick
6. Your Favorite Item: Ring
7. Your Dream Last Night: Hockey
8. Your Favorite Drink: Coffee
9. Your Dream Home: Modest
10. The Room You Are In: Living
11. Your Pet: Peaches
12. Who You Are Now: Management
13. Who You Want to be in Ten Years: Retired
14. What You Want to be in Ten Years: Humanitarian
15. What You're Not: Rich
16. Your Best Friend: Arbitrary
17. One of Your Wishlist Items: Mortgage
18. Your Gender: Gay
19. The Last Thing You Did: Cook
20. What You Are Wearing: Boxers
21. Your Favorite Weather: Lightning
22. Your Favorite Book: Unavailable
23. The Last Thing You Ate: Soup
24. Your Life: Consistent
25. Your Mood: Beat

Stolen from Tillie

I was a hockey player as a boy, a defenseman and I really enjoyed it. I scored only 4 goals in my first season and I think I spent more than half of each game on the ice on my ass. I aspired as a boy to become a professional hockey player.

As a preteen I used to love baking, and cooking. Some Sundays, I would wake up early, create a menu, fancy-up the kitchen, and surprise my parents to a restaurant experience at home. The menu consisted of few items. I could make French toast, toast, pancakes, coffee and juice. I always received a good tip from my patrons, even though not expected. As a preteen I aspired to be a professional chef.

As an adolescent I became fascinated with dentistry. I idolized my dentist. Dr. Henderson was a strong, patient and kind woman. She directed her hygienists with ease and professionalism. I used to love staring up at her while listening to a cassette tape and having my teeth drilled. Bubble gum fluoride was the best flavour. As an adolescent I aspired to be a dentist.

As a teenager I was in 4 school plays as well as a couple smaller productions. I never had, nor sought a lead role. I found acting a thrilling and exciting process. Mr. Crymble, Drama teacher and director, taught me an incredible amount in 4 years. I loved being on stage, I loved the orange make-up caked on my face, I loved the awful Value Village costumes, I loved almost forgetting my lines with 300 people in the audience. As a teenager I aspired to be an actor.

Dr. Cornelius Rae, 1st year Psychology professor at Douglas college and Ms. Leech, Psychology Teacher at my Secondary school initially steered me in the direction of Psychology. In Grade 12 I received the Psychology award. I think I was attracted to Psychology because I thought it would give me some answers to questions I had about myself. Overall it did. Psychology is too quantitative. As a young adult I aspired to become a psychologist.

Currently I aspire to become a social worker, or work in the social work field in some capacity. I want to help people, I want to make around $40,000-50,000, I don’t want a lot of money, I want to wake up one morning and not not want to go to work, I want to look forward to tomorrow…

I’m content right now…I just wonder what I’ll aspire to be in five years, or if I’ll be done with aspirations.